Class bloopers
I always get a laugh from bloopers – the mistakes people make in using the English language. And, believe me, as a college English teacher, I see plenty of them every term in my students’ papers. Here’s a short collection of them from this past school year for your own reading enjoyment.
Blooper: “Every year on The Day of the Dead, families go to cemeteries to visit their diseased relatives.”
My comment on the student’s paper: I think you mean ‘deceased’ relatives. Typically, ‘diseased’ relatives are either in the hospital, a nursing facility, or at home. Cemetaries are places you bury bodies, not a place to host get-well parties. That would be pretty depressing for the patient, don’t you think? ‘Hey, Uncle Stu, let’s get everyone together at the local graveyard to talk about your latest medical prognosis.’ For future writing assignments, please don’t rely on your computer’s spell-check. It might say you spelled the word correctly, but it won’t catch it when you use the wrong word.
Blooper: “One day I want to be a teacher and perhaps I’ll have your child.”
My comment: I hardly know you; I think having my child is a bit presumptuous at this point. Maybe we should have coffee first?
(Okay, I confess, I didn’t really write that on the student’s paper, though I would have liked to just for the fun of it. Instead, I said, “Be more precise in your wording. Write ‘and perhaps your child will be in my class.’ That way, the reader knows exactly what you mean. As it is now, it sounds like you and the reader have a romantic relationship going on.”)
Blooper: “Using the freewriting exercise we learned in class, it should really help with writer’s cramp.”
My first response: Writer’s cramp? I don’t remember teaching them any exercises for their fingers or wrists. Does this student have carpel tunnel syndrome? Oh, wait! I get it – he means writer’s BLOCK.
My comment on the paper: I’m glad you liked the exercise and found it useful. I think that writer’s block definitely feels like a cramp, sometimes, too. I usually just take two ibuprofen, lay down for a while, watch some television, eat some chocolate, call a few friends to chat, and then I’m ready to write again.
Blooper: “A really good book will appease my bore.”
My comment: I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here. Do you have a pet pig who likes to have you read to it? Then you misspelled ‘boar.’ Don’t rely on the computer’s spell-check. It doesn’t catch it when you use the wrong word. Or do you mean ‘boredom’? Likewise, the computer won’t catch it when you leave off part of a word, as long as what’s there is a word in itself. Nor can the computer read your mind, so it doesn’t know to complete words for you. A bummer, I know. I think somebody somewhere is probably working on that, but it hasn’t happened yet, so until then, please proofread.
Blooper: “If I were stranded on a deserted island, I would cut up food and veins to make survival things.”
My comment: Eeuw. I think you mean vines? I hope you mean vines, not veins. I really don’t think your longevity would be much of an issue if you started cutting up veins to make survival things.
Blooper: “Student pride seems to be vacant presently.”
My first response: I think my student writer means ‘missing,’ not vacant. Although, despite the wrong choice of word, it actually makes sense to me. I see a lot of students who look vacant during our early morning class time, especially on Mondays after a full weekend of late nights. Sometimes I want to be their mother and scold them: “You need to get to bed earlier. And stop all that partying! I sent you to college to get a degree, not a perpetual hangover!” I’m also tempted to tap them on their heads and say, “Hello….anybody home?” So yes, maybe vacant isn’t such a bad word choice, after all.
My note to the student: Insightful comment!
My favorite comment of the semester, however, didn’t show up on any of my students’ papers. It just popped out of my mouth during a class conversation.
Me: So if you use these techniques for constructing your essay, you can produce a well-structured piece of writing every single time.
Student #1: You should think about doing that for a living or something, Mrs. D.
Me: Very funny.
Student #2: I want to be like Mrs. Dunlap when I grow up!
Me: You’d have to have a sex-change operation first, Mike…
Student #3: (Singing off-key in a falsetto) Did you ever know that you’re my herooooo…
Really, some days in the classroom make all those written bloopers well worth it.
