No jets, please
I hate jets.
Not the airplane kind – those are fine. In fact, when I was younger, I loved traveling on airplanes. The rush I felt in my head and body when the plane took off was the highlight of my day. (Simple pleasures, right? Simple mind, too, maybe.) For a while, I considered becoming an astronaut just to feel those G-forces pulling me back in my seat.
Now, I’m glad I didn’t become an astronaut. I have enough G-forces pulling on my body just walking around on earth.
You don’t want the details.
Trust me.
The jets I hate are the ones in whirlpool tubs. They make me nervous and irritable. So when we decided to remodel our bathroom and put in a tub big enough for my six-feet-plus tall husband to use for soaking his sore joints, we opted for a soaking tub, not a whirlpool tub.
“How can you not like the jets?” my girlfriend asked me. “That’s what’s so great about a whirlpool tub. You get a massage along with the heat.”
“I don’t get a massage,” I explained. “I get a headache. I start to wonder how long the jets will be on, when they’ll go off, and if something in the wiring will malfunction and I’ll get electrocuted in the bath. Not exactly a relaxing experience for me. I end up more tense than when I got in the tub.”
“There are timers for the jets,” she pointed out.
“I know that. But I don’t wear a watch in the bathtub, so I don’t know how long five or seven or ten minutes really is. It’s not like there’s a countdown clock on my bathroom wall. Geez, that would make it even worse if I had to watch a bright red digital display counting down the seconds till the jets turned off. It would be like watching a bomb timer tick down.” I stared at my girlfriend for a moment. “Thank you. I will now associate whirlpool jets with a bomb getting ready to explode.”
“You are blowing this out of proportion!” she laughed.
“No, the JETS will be blowing me out of the tub,” I corrected her.
“You’re an idiot.”
“Maybe so, but at least I’m not going to be risking my life in a whirlpool tub.”
It did get me to thinking, though, about why I think electrocution might be a possibility for bathtime. It’s not like I experimented with dropping blowdryers in the bathtub when I was a curious toddler. And I’ve always read the instructions that come with new toasters, so I’ve never committed the faux pas of tossing a toaster into the tub.
I kid you not. The user manual for my latest toaster makes it perfectly clear in the “Important Safety Information” section that this appliance should never be used in or near water. Furthermore, “To protect against electric shock, do not immerse cord, plug or machine in water. Do not use in bathrooms. Do not use outdoors. Do not use appliance for anything other than its intended use. In fact, don’t use this appliance at all.”
Okay, the safety instructions don’t include that last part. But they do warn against bathroom use. Personally, I’ve never heard of anyone using a toaster in the bathroom, but I suppose if you’re in a rush and you want to eat a quick breakfast while you bathe, it’s possible. But then don’t the crumbs from the toast get in the water, even if you don’t put the toaster in the tub with you? Sounds messy to me either way – crumby water or electrocution.
Which brings me back to those jets in the whirlpool. Who ever thought it was a good idea to have any kind of electrical wiring connected to your bathtub? Isn’t that kind of a no-brainer stupid thing to do? Granted, I haven’t checked for the number of deaths every year from whirlpool electrocution, and I suppose if the jets really were a safety hazard, the manufacturers couldn’t produce the tubs. Then again, I haven’t read a user manual for whirlpool jets lately. Maybe the manual has an Important Safety Information section that reads: “Do not use if electrical wires are exposed. Do not use unless properly installed by a licensed installer. Do not use outside. Do not use for anything other than its intended use. Most of all, do not permit idiots to use whirlpool jets.”
Oh.
Guess that counts me out….
Tags: trust me
