Chupacabra found in Chaska
(Today’s column was supplied by my newly-launched private news-gathering organization, Dunlap World Intel.)
Chaska, MN (DWI) – The infamous mythical creature called Chupacabra is no longer a myth. Experts from several agencies have now positively identified a small creature living in the home of a local family as a rare specimen of Chupacabra fantasticalius.
Dubbed ‘Annabelle’ by the unsuspecting family, the animal looks, for all practical purposes, like an 8-pound housecat. However, when a news video reporting the discovery of a dead Chupacabra recently ran on the web, family members were shocked to see a marked resemblance between the videotaped doglike creature and the animal they had taken into their home as the family pet ten years ago.
“I was stunned,” said family member Jan Dunlap. “If you ignored Annabelle’s white fur, her pink nose and ears, her long, silky caramel-striped tail, her cat-shaped face and kitty paws, she’d be a ringer for the dead Chupacabra on the video. Oh, and the fact that she’s about an eighth of its size, too. But you look past all that, and sure enough, we’ve got a Chupacabra in our house.”
Eager to advance cryptozoological research, Dunlap called on local expert Bucky Hayes to make the positive identification. Hayes, who owns a furnace repair company and moonlights at Renaissance festivals as a one-eyed Italian count, has been hunting Chupacabras for the last twenty years in outstate Minnesota. A nationally-recognized authority on the legends and doctored photos that have plagued serious Chupacabra research in the last century, Hayes was enthusiastic about the Chaska find.
“This is the discovery of the decade,” Hayes said. “All these years I’ve been camping out in bogs and thick woods, hoping to catch a glimpse of a Chupacabra, and there’s been one right here in my hometown. Who’d a thought?”
After Hayes’ positive ID of ‘Annabelle,’ he called in two more experts to verify his findings.
“It was the back claws,” said Shirley Swenson, a local nail sculpturist who has participated in Bigfoot-sighting expeditions for the last five years. “That was the give-away for me. ‘Annabelle’ has the distinctive back talons of a pygmy Chupacabra. Believe me, I know nails.”
Retired English teacher/ghost hunter Mark Windham agreed with Swenson about the family pet’s true identity. “This is, without a doubt, a perfect example of the long-considered extinct branch of the Chupacabra fantasticalius teensyweensy subspecies. To find this creature is a high point of my cryptozoological career, which, incidentally, I just started three weeks ago. I got one of those degrees by mail, you know.”
Confirmation of ‘Annabelle’s’ identification by experts has caused an uproar in the Dunlap household.
“I’m terrified to go to sleep,” said Dunlap’s fifteen-year-old daughter Colleen. “I’m afraid I’ll wake up and find the cat’s – I mean the Chupacabra’s – face just inches away from mine, waiting to eat me. I don’t want her in my room anymore.”
Zoning regulations have also become a problem for the family. The covenants of the townhome community in which the Dunlaps reside prohibit homeowners from housing pigs, horses, cows, giraffes, alligators and Chupacabras.
“We didn’t know she was a Chupacabra when we adopted her at the Humane Society back in 2000,” Dunlap explained. “My daughters wanted a cat, and I wanted them to stop asking me for one, so I adopted Annabelle. How was I to know she was a zoning violation in the making? I thought having to clean a cat box was going to be bad enough.”
Local animal control officials have refused to comment on the case. “It’s just a cat, for crying out loud,” said a department member on condition of anonymity. “It’s cute, it’s furry and it’s cuddly. Chupacabras are big, slobbery dogs that walk upright on their hind legs and eat people. They don’t have any fur. This cat sheds if you just look at it.”
Hayes could not be reached for comment as the Renaissance festival had just opened in nearby Shakopee.
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