New evidence points to looming disaster
Chaska, MN (DWI) – Local investigators have gathered unmistakable evidence that a natural disaster of epic proportions is only weeks away, and it won’t be appearing on your neighborhood movie screen.
Instead, it’s going to happen in neighborhoods all over the world.
“The effects of global warming are nothing compared to this baby,” said Dr. Steven Moron of the National Daylight Monitoring Center. “We are talking about complete geophysical, biological, and economic meltdown here. I don’t want to cause a panic, but our data shows we have barely eight weeks left of life as we know it. The Big Lights-Out is on its way.”
The Big Lights-Out is the term coined by Moron to describe the cataclysmic event that he and his team of investigators are now predicting as imminent: total darkness.
“We’ve been closely monitoring daylight hours to hours of darkness for the past three months, and there is no doubt that we are rapidly losing daylight,” Moron explained from the Center’s location in the basement of his rented townhome. “Not only do we have less light than three months ago, but the speed at which we are losing it every day is accelerating. At this pace, we expect to see the last bit of sunlight on January 27, 2010. I don’t know anyone who has enough back-up generators to provide light for the rest of eternity, do you?”
Moron and his two assistants have been sending daily emails to the National Weather Bureau and the International Climatology Club to alert authorities to this terrifying development, but so far, no acknowledgement has been received from either group, other than a terse reply to “Unsubscribe.”
“I can’t believe everyone is taking this so casually,” Moritz pointed out in response. “I mean, come on! We’ve got years before global warming breaks off another chunk of the Antarctic ice shelf, but it gets media attention all the time. The Big Lights-Out is just around the corner! We need to be putting some safeguards into place today, like making a zillion of those little light sticks you can buy at Disneyland for the Electric Parade.”
Aside from artificial light concerns, biological processes around the world will be affected by the Big Lights-Out, according to the team’s research. Citing his assistant’s fourth-grade science text, Science Is Amazing, Moron noted that photosynthesis, which is dependent on sunlight, is going to end, which means no green plants, fruits or vegetables. “Or grains,” the scientist added. “Don’t forget about fiber. No more whole wheat bagels, no more bagel shops. Think of the repercussions here. This event is going to affect every sector of our economy. Of course, sun-based businesses will be the first to go bankrupt, which will only worsen the current financial situation of world markets. What about solar panel companies? What about the Sunglass Hut?”
“Ah, I don’t think it’s going to be a problem, really,” said Jason Linkenmuller, age 17, a cashier at the Sunglass Hut in nearby Eden Prairie. “Business is always slow this time of year. At least, it was last year when I started working here. I kind of like it that way, because I can get my homework done then while I’m working.”
When apprised of Moron’s predictions about the Big Lights-Out, Linkenmuller was taken aback. “Some guy thinks that we’re gonna keep losing daylight? Hello. It’s called winter. It happens every year. Hey, you want to try on those Ray-Bans? They were really hot sellers this summer. They’re on special this week.”
Moron refuses to be deflected by the skeptical responses of many Americans to his dire news, however. “I’m seeing this thing through,” he insisted. “If I have to take this all the way to the United Nations, I will. Somebody’s got to raise the alarm. Data like this doesn’t lie. You think I’m making this stuff up? I’m a scientist, for crying out loud! I live for data. Just take a look out your window at 7 a.m. It’s dark out there! Three months ago, it wasn’t. That’s irrefutable evidence that we are heading straight for the Big Lights-Out.”
Moron plans to publish his findings in an upcoming book titled “The Big Lights-Out: How We Will Pay the Price for Ignoring the Earth’s Natural Rhythms Which We Can’t Do Anything About Anyway.” It will be accompanied by a workbook, “Make Money Off a Natural Catastrophe.”
c. 2009 by Dunlap World Intel
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