Kicking the vampire diet
I don’t know about you, but I am now officially vampired-out.
Not that I was ever a vampire fan to begin with, but after the glut of blood suckers that have saturated every form of media in the last year or so, I am ready to have the world move on from its fascination with sickly-looking, socially-impaired undead creatures.
Kind of sounds like my composition class of college freshman during finals week.
Just kidding.
Sort of.
Actually, when the craze started, I was happy about the millions of girls who were reading the “Twilight” series penned by Stephanie Meyer. As a book lover myself, I’m always delighted when other people get excited about reading; knowing how hard it is to compete with electronic entertainment, I’m especially thrilled when young people are so entranced with a story that they drop the cell phones and game boys to pick up a book. As far as I’m concerned, J.K. Rowling did more to save books from going the way of the dodo than any other author in the last fifty years when she captured the imaginations of millions of readers of all ages around the planet with her Harry Potter. Her books were great stories because they dealt with universal human emotions.
Vampires, on the other hand, seem rather limited in emotional range. Sure, you get anger, but you also get…uh…okay, you get anger. Hey, if I were a vampire, I’d probably be pretty angry, too. Not only could I never sleep again (and I love to sleep, especially in the winter – my secret fantasy, in fact, is about hibernating, not handsome neck-biters), but I couldn’t go for walks in the sun, or eat spaghetti and frozen custard. I’d have to stay awake all the time, hide in a rainy state and drink blood.
Who wants to do that?
Apparently, millions of teenage girls and young women, although I have also heard of a few males of the species who are willing to give the vampire thing a whirl, though I suspect that’s because they can recognize an opportunity when they see it, and they realize that if they are one of the few males who are vampire fans, their appeal to females just shot through the roof.
Because that’s what the vampire furor ultimately is all about: sex appeal. For some reason, young women have become convinced that skinny men who don’t eat meat (or even their vegetables!) are incredibly attractive. The not eating thing is also why these vampires have dark, hollow eyes – they’re not getting enough vitamin A. They aren’t eating their carrots, not to mention anything else, for that matter. The bottom line is that the undead have lousy diets. Which, as we all know, is not a good thing to promote to our young people.
Having lousy diets, I mean.
Although being undead isn’t such a good idea to promote, either.
Werewolves, on the other hand, do eat meat. I think they also eat fruits and vegetables, but don’t quote me on that. They obviously eat lots of carrots, too, since they have good night vision for running around all night shirtless in the forest howling at the moon and playing werewolf games with all the other werewolves. I bet their mothers are proud of them. I bet they eat everything on their plates at dinner.
Vampires don’t even get plates at dinner. They just get a cup.
So I guess cleaning up after a meal is a lot faster.
Okay, score one for the vampires. Less time in the kitchen works for me.
In fact, why doesn’t some writer come up with a non-vampire heartthrob who loves to cook, eat and clean up afterwards? A not undead, not unhealthily pale, bright eyed guy who will inspire a generation of young women to eat nutritionally sound meals and get outside and enjoy fresh air and sunshine? He could be called Barbecue Boy and his great challenge could be organizing neighborhood service projects and block parties.
Socially impaired? Are you kidding? This guy’s the life of the party.
About time, wouldn’t you say?
Tags: trust me
