JanDunlap.com

I may never fly again.

On a recent trip to San Antonio, I got wanded at the airport security checkpoint because I was wearing a long skirt.

“We can’t see the outline of your body,” the lady security person explained to me as she moved the wand around my hips.

“Well, actually, that’s kind of the idea here,” I told her. “I don’t want anyone to see the extra five pounds I put on over the holidays. It’s belly fat, not explosives.”

She was not amused. She did, however, deem me non-threatening enough to be allowed on a commercial jet.

After we returned home from our trip, however, my husband read an article about the possibility that airlines might soon implement full-body scans at security checkpoints to further ensure passenger safety during travel.

THAT is why I may never fly again.

Wanding I can handle, but no way am I getting naked at the airport.

True, you don’t actually strip for the full-body scan. As I understand it, you stand in a machine that sees through your clothes down to your skin. The display that shows up on the monitor is your body – not your insides, like an MRI or X-ray you get at a hospital, but the surface of your skin.

All of your skin.

If that’s not naked, I don’t know what is.

Actually, that was always the thing that creeped me out about Superman – he had X-ray vision. But he wasn’t using it to examine people’s skeletons for medical reasons, either. He used his super vision to see concealed weapons on enemies, or to see through the rubble of a collapsed building to find a missing child, or to see through an outer disguise of an archvillain to see the fancy leotard underneath that had the bad guy’s name or big initial on it. Even when I was a kid, I realized that meant Superman could see through anyone’s clothes down to their skin if he wanted to; it was only because he was a super, honorable, family-rated good guy that Lois Lane didn’t have to worry about him checking out her birthday suit whenever he felt like it. Obviously, Superman was a gentleman – you never saw him saying “Oops – sorry, Lois. I forgot to turn off the X-ray vision when you walked into the room. Keep the thong, though.”

Granted, the part about Superman seeing concealed weapons was always a good thing and it frequently helped him to save the day, so I can see why airport security would want to do that with their full-body scanners. Then they wouldn’t have to wand anyone anymore, because the weapons would show right up on the monitor when you stood in the scanning booth.

Likewise, they wouldn’t have to pat anyone down anymore, either, and I bet lots of security personnel would find that a big relief. I know I would hate that part of the job – the idea that I would have to get up and go to work everyday to pat down zillions of strangers wouldn’t exactly motivate me to bounce out of bed every morning. (“Oh yeah! I can’t wait to pat down people, some of whom may have personal hygiene deficiencies and/or reek of cigarette smoke or booze. I LOVE my job!”) To be honest, I lost my desire to enter others’ personal space when my kids were toddlers and I took them to playgroup, where every child there had a runny nose. It was like being trapped in a scene from the disaster disease movie “Outbreak,” except Dustin Hoffman wasn’t there in a big white decontamination suit. Although I bet even he would have run screaming out of the room if he’d seen as many gooey noses as I have. To this day, I can’t sit in a theater without remembering the scene in that movie where the ebola virus is spreading through the theater every time someone coughs. That’s probably why I rarely go to movie theaters anymore – I’m convinced they’re viral incubators that may lead to premature death.

Don’t even get me started on touching the armrests or seatpads…

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think that the airport security people should take that full-body scanner a step further, and put antibacterial jets in it to sanitize every person who walks through the booth. We all know that everyone picks up colds when they fly, so why not give travelers a benefit in the booth if they’re going to have to be seen naked anyway? At least that way, you could say “Okay, these total strangers are now going to see every inch of my wrinkled/distended/lined/stretch-marked skin, but I get a full-body dose of preventative antibacterial agent out of it, so I won’t contract a deadly disease on my way to visit Aunt Sue in Cleveland. And then I’ll get to do it again, on my way back. Wow! I’m really excited about this trip!”

I don’t think so. Somehow, it just takes the appeal out of flying.

Too bad we all don’t wear those leotards like Superman and his enemies. Then it would be a simple thing for security personnel to spot threats at the airport. All they’d have to do is say “Open your shirt, sir,” or “Lose the blouse, ma’am,” and they could tell from the initial on our underwear leotard if we could be trusted on an airplane. I mean, we already take off our shoes and belts to go through the scanners they currently use. They could just pipe in some appropriate music, like “Shake Your Booty,” or “You Sexy Thing,” and then everyone would feel more comfortable. It could be like going to a bachelor or bachelorette party, except that everybody does the stripping, not just the Chippendales. And since everyone would be pulling their shirts open, no one would feel self-conscious. Geez, for that matter, why not throw in free drinks for travelers to ease any anxiety they might feel while they’re waiting their turn to rip open their shirts? I bet you’d get lots more people flying, and that would be a big boost for the airlines and the national economy, wouldn’t it? Just imagine, thousands of people pulling their shirts off in public just so they could get on a plane.

On second thought, maybe that’s not something I want to imagine.

I think it’s time to look into Amtrack rates…

Tags: trust me