New Recession on the Horizon
Chaska, MN (DWI) – Just as the American economy is poised to make a recovery from the past few years’ recession, new indicators released today predict another downturn is in the near future.
“I can’t help it!” protested mother-of-the-bride-to-be Jan Dunlap. “Once my daughter gets married next week, that’s it! I’m not spending another dime!”
Economic experts credit the nation’s recent months’ financial improvement to the Dunlap family’s spending on their daughter’s upcoming wedding. Citing massive influxes of money to a wide segment of vendors in the marketplace, Dr. Shome Damonie, a little known authority on investment and washing machine repair, claimed that the family’s expenses have provided employment for thousands of workers.
“We’re talking about wide-spread economic incentive here,” Dr. Damonie said. “We’ve got new money flowing into shoe stores, dress shops, online printers, florists and independent cake ladies. Thanks to the fact that the Dunlaps have offered their wedding guests a salmon option for the dinner, we’re even seeing a boom in the Pacific Northwest salmon industry. Fish ain’t just for breakfast anymore, ya know.”
Damonie noted that tortilla chips and goat cheese suppliers are also enjoying improved bottom lines as a result of the upcoming nuptials. “What can I say?” a beleaguered Dunlap sighed. “The bride wants goat cheese and tortilla chips for appetizers, so that’s what the bride gets. What am I supposed to do? Tell her she can open a few dozen cans of peanuts?”
Local merchants are not complaining.
“I’m thrilled to have a gig with the wedding,” said area accordianist Polka Pete, formerly known on the local club circuit as lead singer with Hairy Peter and the Prisoner of Skabana. “I thought I’d find work with all the churches that have polka worship services, but since the recession began, even that market has dried up. I told the Dunlaps I could do New Age music and a pretty decent imitation of Yanni for their reception, but I guess it was too edgy for them. I think they got some disc jockey instead.”
When asked to comment, Dunlap said, “I hate that man. But he was cheap and we just needed some pre-service music. I think he’s going to play ‘Edelweiss.’ If he tries to play anything else, I’m going to shoot him.”
The most interesting trickle-down effect of the Dunlap financial splurge is the involvement of Leon McAllister of Leather Repair in St. Paul.
“She had me over to the house and said she wanted it smooth again,” McAllister said.
“It’s not what you think!” Dunlap was quick to add. “Leon is repairing the claw damage that our cat has wreaked on my favorite leather chair. We’re having a lot of family over for an Open House before the wedding, and I wanted the chair to look nice. As a matter of fact, the cat is going to be staying at the kennel during the week of the wedding. I don’t want to risk any scratches in the chair after I’m paying an arm and a leg to get the old scratches repaired.”
“We’re happy to have the cat stay with us,” said the kennel owner. “We charge an arm and a leg, too.”
When informed that all this expenditure will dry up once the bride and groom say “I do” next week, the Chaska economic development council called an emergency meeting.
“We need to assess the impact that the loss of the Dunlap’s wedding spending will have on our community,” said Ross Czhenklnsprnylzmshyski of the council. “It will certainly result in unemployment and a loss of revenue to the city, as well as the state of Minnesota. We may have to consider some kind of bail-out for our local businesses, who have become accustomed to this higher spending level over the last eight months. I think it’s clear that the Dunlaps were totally irresponsible in their lack of concern for the repercussions of their private soiree.”
When asked to comment, Dunlap rolled her eyes. “Wait till his daughter gets married,” she said.
(DWI is the privately owned news-gathering agency Dunlap World Intel.)
