JanDunlap.com

I don’t know about you, but I am now officially vampired-out.

Not that I was ever a vampire fan to begin with, but after the glut of blood suckers that have saturated every form of media in the last year or so, I am ready to have the world move on from its fascination with sickly-looking, socially-impaired undead creatures.

Chaska, MN (DWI) – Local investigators have gathered unmistakable evidence that a natural disaster of epic proportions is only weeks away, and it won’t be appearing on your neighborhood movie screen.

Instead, it’s going to happen in neighborhoods all over the world.

“The effects of global warming are nothing compared to this baby,” said Dr. Steven Moron of the National Daylight Monitoring Center. “We are talking about complete geophysical, biological, and economic meltdown here. I don’t want to cause a panic, but our data shows we have barely eight weeks left of life as we know it. The Big Lights-Out is on its way.”

The Big Lights-Out is the term coined by Moron to describe the cataclysmic event that he and his team of investigators are now predicting as imminent: total darkness.

For years, researchers have been insisting that Americans have become increasingly violent because they watch excessive violence portrayed on television shows. Since my own TV viewing is probably less than an hour a month, I have never felt like I had anything to contribute to this debate.

In the last few weeks, however, I have been following an exercise show on FitTV almost every day in hopes of dropping a few pounds and tightening my glutes. Based on this experience, I can now say without hesitation that watching television has, indeed, made me more violent.

“Let’s do some cardio boxing!” the TV exercise guru shouts at me. “Ready? Go! Jab, jab, cross! Jab, jab, cross! Jab, jab, cross!”

I do the boxing moves and it feels pretty darn good.